the essence

My eyes are puffy this morning.

Last night I cried, felt nauseas, ached inside, & wanted to cry more except for the fact I hate how it makes my head hurt & makes me stuffy. An excerpt from Ellies blog:

I truly believe that we have reached the beginning of the end. Ellie has gotten a fever, but she has no symptoms of a virus. After checking her blood yesterday, the doctor has told us that her counts are dropping. The fever and low counts mean that her bone marrow is "compressing" and losing the ability to do its job. Ellie is dying.

I inadvertently left the screen up on the computer when I left the room. Ray found it & being the sweet man that he is came to see if I was okay. That started a new flood of tears as I told him I haven't had a chance to see Ellie.

I know that when she dies she'll be so much better off. I don't really mourn for her, I selfishly mourn for our loss & for her family.

Since she was just a few months old Ellie has been my favorite kid, with the exception of my own. I would usually babysit her at least once a week, we'd play together for hours at a time, she was my adorable flower girl, & after I married & moved she did not like Ray because he took me away. And I haven't seen her since she got sick over a year ago. I wish plane tickets to Montana weren't so expensive.